After four deaths on the tracks the other day, I figured y’all should know what to do if you fall on the subway tracks.
If the train isn’t very close, run beyond the far end of the station (beyond where the train would stop) and wave your arms so the conductor sees you. It’s a better idea than just trying to pull yourself back on the platform. Attempts of that sort frequently result in a rather grisly wedging situation.
If the train is too close, get between the tracks and lay down as flat as possible. This is how the “subway hero” saved that guy.
If you do run beyond the end of the platform and see the train approaching fast with a skeleton as a conductor, don’t freak out. This is ghost train and it will pass right through you, leaving an ectoplasmic residue.
If you’re a giant hulk-type, brace your freakish frame and smash the front of the train, killing dozens. Then run from the station, crying gallon-sized tears screaming “ME NOT KNOW OWN STRENGTH!” Don’t stop until you get back to your secret home under Grand Central Station that you decorated with trash commuters left behind and pet that homeless kitty you found and named “Baby” (gently, so you don’t kill it with your misunderstood brutality).
If after you fall, you feel sticky tiles beneath your hands and smell shitty bread baking, stand up. You fell in a Subway Sandwiches and look like an idiot. Note: “subway hero” does not refer to a large sandwich.
Conservatives made a bit of an uproar over the choice of picture for Michelle Bachmann’s Newsweek cover photo. And honestly, yeah, that’s definitely a fair point they’re making. It appears that Newsweek editors tried to find the craziest, bug-eyed, weird-forced-smile photo of the congresswoman they could.
That is, until you see the cover of her autobiography, Core of Conviction.
That is the photo she chose. They did not just take one photo and say “Well, she looks like a robot who is trying to understand this feeling we call ‘joy,’ but we have to go with that.” They did not ring up Bill Maher and say, “So, I know you generally come down pretty hard on conservatives, but I feel like we can trust you to pick a good cover for Rep. Bachmann’s book cover. I’ll send over the proofs.” They had a photo shoot. It likely lasted for hours. Probably hundreds of photos were taken. There was likely a session where Bachmann and advisers looked over dozens of the best photos all printed out. A very skilled airbrush artist probably made an concerted effort to improve her expression. And yet still we get this:
The most forced expression in the history of mankind. She looks like there’s a gun to her back. You can’t even call what her mouth is doing a “smile” as the corners are not even upturned. It’s more like how chimpanzees bare their teeth when they feel threatened. They say you can tell a smile is fake by whether the person has has “smiling eyes.” Those eyes are more aptly described as “murder eyes.” Her head is cocked at an angle that suggests it can turn all the way around. Even her hands are clasped like she just now learned this concept of “clasping hands.” At this point I think Newsweek tried and tried to get a normal, flattering photo of the representative, eventually giving up and saying, “Fuck it, let’s just use a headline that makes it seem like we’re deliberately trying to make her look nutty.” But it turns out Michelle Bachmann just constantly has a crazy fucking expression to match her politics/personality/bigotries/general demeanor.
There are a million things about this video. Perhaps most of all the fact that this crowd of teenage girls is going straight-up APESHIT for these 40-something inbred-looking freakshows. Girls are screaming for the lead singer, whose face looks like someone allergic to bees after being stung hundreds of times, The Wicker Man style. And they can’t get enough of those back-up singers, who are clearly reanimated skeletons with skin stretched over them like a canvas.
Man, just everything. That face with that voice. The ridiculous, passionate, taking-a-dump faces the lead singer makes. The back-up singers constantly fucking up their very minimal choreography. This song went all the way to #2. This video is my new mantra.
