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What to do if you fall on the subway tracks

After four deaths on the tracks the other day, I figured y’all should know what to do if you fall on the subway tracks.

• If the train isn’t very close, run beyond the far end of the station (beyond where the train would stop) and wave your arms so the conductor sees you. It’s a better idea than just trying to pull yourself back on the platform. Attempts of that sort frequently result in a rather grisly wedging situation.
• If the train is too close, get between the tracks and lay down as flat as possible. This is how the “subway hero” saved that guy.
• If you do run beyond the end of the platform and see the train approaching fast with a skeleton as a conductor, don’t freak out. This is ghost train and it will pass right through you, leaving an ectoplasmic residue.
• If you’re a giant hulk-type, brace your freakish frame and smash the front of the train, killing dozens. Then run from the station, crying gallon-sized tears screaming “ME NOT KNOW OWN STRENGTH!” Don’t stop until you get back to your secret home under Grand Central Station that you decorated with trash commuters left behind and pet that homeless kitty you found and named “Baby” (gently, so you don’t kill it with your misunderstood brutality).
• If after you fall, you feel sticky tiles beneath your hands and smell shitty bread baking, stand up. You fell in a Subway Sandwiches and look like an idiot. Note: “subway hero” does not refer to a large sandwich.